Minimum requirements

Last week, it seemed like all anybody at the office could talk about was the latest season of Arrested Development. And why not? It’s a good show, and its resurrection was something of a miracle, and so it’s a worthy topic. But, when people asked me what I thought about the new season, the only honest answer I could give was, “I don’t know — I haven’t seen it. I don’t have Netflix.”

“Oh. Um….” is what they said. They seemed confused.  “Um, why not?” they ask, sometimes.

It’s kind of funny.

I get this sort of thing a lot. I don’t have an iPhone, (or a data plan for the phone that I do have), or HBO, or HD anything. Most of the time, these facts provoke no reaction. But, from some people, I get a hearty, “Whaaaaaaat?” Some people, when they get that phone, or that cable package, or that subscription-based video streaming service, they can’t go back. They WON’T go back! Neverrrrr!

I live with the fear that I won’t be able to make my mortgage payments, and that I’ll end up homeless. And some people apparently live in fear of being in the same boat as a well-off person of 1991. I guess that’s sort of horrifying?

I understand, though. We’re talking about people who, even if they can just barely afford it, will always have an iPhone and a data plan, Netflix, and HBO Go, or whatever. These are their bellwethers, and to lack any of them would be a sign of deep, deep dysfunction in their lives. Something would be terribly wrong, for them to give up their Netflix. Running into somebody who doesn’t have these things just makes them contemplate a very unwelcome, unwanted lifestyle for a couple of seconds, that’s all.

And I want to assure these folks that my life is just fine! I mean, yes, I am broke, and unable to afford these things, and yes, I am a grumpy tightwad as a result of financial pressures and lack of market mobility, but I’m actually okay, you know?

Besides, it’s not like I’m contagious, or anything. Your Netflix won’t disappear if we shake hands or something. (Though your appetite certainly will.)